WASHINGTON - With recent torrential flooding, sporadic infernos, and delays long enough to prevent you from getting to work before next year, riding the metro has been no easy task. But no fear! Fox 5 is here to provide you with a comprehensive survival guide to make your Metro experience the best it can be despite the obstacles in your way, or more accurately, on your way!
1. Mini Fire Extinguisher: let's be real - there is no way any of us want to carry a full size fire extinguisher around! And with the frequency of DC Metro fires, some sort of tool to snuff out any unexpected flames is absolutely necessary. That's why we recommend you purchase an Automobile Fire Extinguisher, typically going for under $20, totally affordable for your average Metro rider, considering it costs more than $200 for a monthly pass.
2. Swamp suit, chemical protection gear, or full body wetsuit: If you want to be absolutely sure that you don't walk into work looking like a drowned rat (literally) then you better be prepared with a full body waterproof suit, preferably equipped with gas masks to avoid inhaling toxic fumes. Metro stations aren't typically sought after swimming destinations, and for good reason, noting the electrocution risk caused by the electrical current running through the tracks.
There are also no lifeguards on duty, nor ladders to climb out of the water quickly in the case of trains arriving periodically. (But these days, that isn't too great of a concern) leading to our next guideline...
3. Ladder/climbing gear/zip line: If you're lucky, you might occasionally find a Metro station with fully functional escalators, but it's unlikely. That's why we suggest you leave for work prepared to scale the station walls to avoid climbing upwards of 230 steps, (The Wheaton station on the red line has the longest escalator in the Western Hemisphere!)
4. Misting Fan - We don't recommend getting on a train that may or may not have AC during sweltering DC summers and may or may not (most likely not) make it to its destination on time. Misting fans are a great way to stay cool given the possibility that you might be stuck in a 90 degree metro car indefinitely.
5. Walkie-Talkie: Despite exponential technological advancements over the last decade, the Metro has yet to figure out how to deliver efficient cell phone service to its patrons. Considering the disturbingly high likelihood of fires, floods, and contracting heat stroke, it is essential that you have some form of communication to the outside world; else you drown or suffocate from smoke exposure. Walkie talkies are a tried and true way to communicate with the outside world when you dare to venture down into the Metro.
We hope we were able to provide you with a comprehensive guide for navigating the metro. Fox 5 wants to help you commute to work without fearing for your life!